


born like this (i hate this)

by MoonlightBreeze



Series: Febuwhump 2021 [16]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Friendship, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Autistic Alec Lightwood, Bittersweet Ending, Broken Bones, FebuWhump2021, Gen, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Guilt, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Internalized Homophobia, Missions Gone Wrong, Self-Harm, he does not get it, he does not get them, no beta we die like men, nothing really gets resolved, oopsie, well kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29531820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: Behind every beautiful thing, there is some kind of pain. ~ Bob DylanAlec is in charge of a mission that goes wrong, and Jace inadvertently makes the situation worse. Alec just wants to be normal, but he's not and he never has been.Febuwhump Day 16 - Broken bonesWarnings for canon-typical violence, internalized homophobia, and self-harm. Please keep yourselves safe! <3
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & himself, One-sided Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland - Relationship
Series: Febuwhump 2021 [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138970
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35
Collections: Autistic Alec Lightwood





	born like this (i hate this)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! This is (once again) a day late, but here it is! The associated Febuwhump prompt is: broken bones. Ever since I saw this prompt, I wanted to write a fic where Alec breaks the bones in his hand via self-harm. I read that in [this fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13221525) and haven't managed to get the idea out of my head since. 
> 
> This was written and edited at about 2:30am, so please forgive me any mistakes or subpar writing.
> 
> Warnings for canon-typical violence (mission gone wrong), guilt over said mission going wrong, internalized homophobia, and self-harm. Please keep your lovely selves safe! <3
> 
> With that being said, let's get on to the story! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And, as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em

Alec let a small sigh puff past his lips as he got out of bed, changing into his tactical gear and exiting the bedroom. He couldn’t sleep. There was no use laying in bed with his own thoughts racing through his mind like ping pong balls, so he decided to get some extra training in before tomorrow’s mission. 

The training room was blissfully empty at this time of night, and Alec slipped in unnoticed. He hesitated for only a second between the archery targets and the punching bag before finding the button on the wall to start a training simulation. He didn’t bother turning the lights on. The darkness would add another layer of difficulty. 

Alec punched his way through two demons before he remembered that his bow and quiver were still in his bedroom. Alec shook his head. He didn’t need them. Real, good Shadowhunters could defeat demons with nothing but their hands and their speed. Alec took a deep breath and plunged into the horde. His heart raced in his chest, despite the fact that he knew it was only a simulation, and Alec grit his teeth. He was being stupid. He was a _Shadowhunter_. There was nothing to be afraid of. 

Alec didn’t know how long he spent fighting the demons before he was snapped out of his focus by the creak of the training room door opening. Alec whirled around to face the intruder and was barely able to catch a glimpse of golden blonde hair and confused, heterochromatic eyes before a simulation-demon took advantage of his momentary distraction and raked a claw down his back. He grimaced. Even though it was a simulation, the injury still _hurt_ like it was real. 

He turned around, dispatched the demon, and punched the button on the wall to pause the simulation. Jace was staring at him with concern, and Alec instinctively pulled his hands behind his back. “What are you doing here?”

Jace shrugged. “The bond was hurting.”

_It was?_

“Oh,” Alec responded lamely. He hesitated, and then asked: “Why?”

“I don’t know,” Jace replied. “You tell me.”

Alec shook his head, clearly indicating that he didn’t want to talk about it. Truthfully, maybe he _was_ a little worried about the mission tomorrow - it was the first one, ever, that he would be leading himself - but Jace didn’t need to know that. 

“Alright, fine,” Jace sighed. “Just - don’t hurt yourself, okay?” Alec flushed furiously in the darkness, twisting his fingers together behind his back. Jace knew him too well. 

“I won’t,” he promised, his voice quiet. 

“D’you want to come back to bed?” Jace asked, gesturing towards the door. “We can have a sleepover, just like old times.”

Alec shook his head, digging his nails into his palms under the cover of darkness. A sleepover with Jace was the last thing he needed. Not when Jace was looking at him with such care, and his eyes were so damn beautiful, and - _fuck_. Alec shook his head again, this time more violently. No, he couldn’t. 

“Fine,” Jace said, and Alec didn’t miss the hurt in his voice. “Suit yourself.” With that, he turned and exited the training room, leaving Alec alone with his thoughts. 

Alec sighed and punched the button to start the simulation again. It was going to be a long night. 

~ ~ ~

The lights of the Institute were all too bright, and everyone was talking at once, and Alec couldn’t tell if the room was really dotted with black spots or if he’d been breathing too hard, trying to get there. He didn’t know how everything had managed to go so horribly wrong, but a dozen of his Shadowhunters were hurt and even more were friends with someone who was hurt, and - _fuck_ , he had to get ahold of himself. 

Alec stumbled into the infirmary, carrying one injured Shadowhunter in his arms and guiding another ten or so behind him. “H-Help them,” he choked out in the vague direction of one of the infirmary staff. Before long, warm hands were prying his off of the Shadowhunter in his arms, and the others that were following him were escorted to hospital beds. Alec sighed, tears of relief pricking his eyelids. 

“Mr. Lightwood, are you - ”

“I’m fine,” Alec cut the infirmary doctor off. “Help them. Don’t worry about me.” He could tell the doctor wanted to protest, but there were certain pros to being Acting Head of the New York Institute, and not having his orders questioned was one of them. 

His vision was beginning to clear up, and with it, Alec could see the infirmary in its entirety. Nine of the ten beds were occupied by his Shadowhunters. Alec felt sick. He had _led_ this mission, he had guided all of those Shadowhunters into battle, they _trusted_ him, and he, he - 

Alec choked on a sob and ran for the door. He couldn’t face them. It was his fault they were hurt, some of them severely. It was _all_ his fault. 

Alec didn’t even have to think; his feet carried him to the training room on instinct, and he ducked inside and headed straight for the punching bag. 

Punch. 

_Stupid._

Punch.

_Failure._

Punch. 

_Mindless._

Punch. Punch. Punch. 

_Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough._

“Alec?” It was Jace. He sounded alarmed. “What the hell are you doing?!”

“What does it look like?” Alec panted, without stopping his tirade or turning to acknowledge Jace. 

“It looks like you’re beating yourself up over something that wasn’t your fault,” Jace replied strongly, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“It _was_ my fault,” Alec growled, punching again. “I was the one leading the team!”

“Yeah, and you had no way of knowing that there would be more demons than we expected,” Jace countered. “Alec, _no one_ knew.”

“I should’ve known!” Alec shouted, abandoning the punching bag to turn and face his parabatai. 

“How do you figure?” Jace retorted. “What, you should just have some magic crystal ball that lets you see the future? Huh? Is that it?”

Alec shook his head, his eyes filling with tears. Jace didn’t _get it_. 

Jace’s expression softened when he caught sight of Alec trying hard not to cry, and he moved a little closer, reaching out to touch Alec’s arm. “Hey, I’m sorry - ”

Alec jerked away as if he’d been burned. Jace’s touch always felt electric, like someone had sent a pulse shooting directly through his nervous system, and he hated it. He knew enough about attraction and relationships to recognise that this wasn’t _normal_ , that how he felt about Jace was how he was supposed to feel about girls. But he _didn’t_ , because he _wasn’t_ , and Alec hated it. He hated it he hated it he hated it he hated it. He fucking HATED IT. Without thinking, Jace’s touch still lingering on his skin, Alec whirled around and plunged his fist into the concrete wall. 

Pain immediately exploded through his hand, and Alec cried out, collapsing to the floor next to the wall, cradling his hand. He’d heard a _crack_ when his fist connected with the concrete. That could mean only one thing. 

“Jesus Christ, Alec!” 

There it was. 

Alec sighed and looked down at the quickly-purpling mess of his right hand, his eyes watering with the pain. It was definitely broken. He didn’t think he’d ever felt pain this intense. It was breathtaking. 

“Alec,” Jace said, falling to his knees next to his parabatai. “Fuck, why the hell did you do that?!”

Alec shook his head. He couldn’t explain, and even if he could, he wouldn’t. Not to Jace. 

Jace, to his benefit, didn’t question him further; instead, he took Alec’s hand in his and set to work examining it carefully. Alec gritted his teeth and tried not to pull away. He hated Jace’s hand in his, hated how it made him _feel_. It was all too much and not enough at the same time. 

“You’re going to have to get this looked at,” Jace said after a minute. He lifted Alec’s shirt and activated his iratze, watching as some of the broken patches of skin knitted themselves back together under the power of the rune. Alec’s hand was still broken, though, and he knew he would have to let an infirmary doctor treat it if he didn’t want it to stay that way. 

Still, the idea of someone else touching him right now was nothing short of abhorrent, and Alec shook his head again. His mouth felt thick and full of cotton, and the words he tried to say got stuck in his throat. He’d only ever felt this way once before; after a Clave party, where everyone had been drinking and shouting and the lights were all too bright for him to focus on anything, he’d curled up in his room and tried to breathe through the skin-on-fire feeling for close to an hour. There was no way in hell Alec was letting someone else touch him; not right now. 

“ _Alec_ ,” Jace pleaded. “You have to get it looked at!”

Alec’s eyes filled with tears of frustration. He wanted to tell Jace that he _would_ , just not right now, but the words _still_ wouldn’t come out. He tried to send a pulse of _reassurancelovegratitude_ through the parabatai bond, and he could tell that it worked, because Jace’s expression softened a little and he stopped trying to get Alec go to the infirmary. 

“As long as you will eventually,” Jace said, a warning in his voice. Alec nodded minutely. Jace sighed, raking a hand over his face. “Alright,” he mumbled. “Good. I’ll leave you alone now.” With that, Jace gave Alec a rough pat on the shoulder and left him in the training room. 

Alec exhaled with relief the second he was gone, his shoulders relaxing. His head still swam with the pain of his broken hand, but it was much more manageable than the way his skin felt like it was on fire when someone touched him while he was like this. 

Alec sighed, resting his head against the wall behind him. He knew he needed to go to the infirmary - not just for his hand, but to check on the injured Shadowhunters - or, at the very least, go to his room, so he wasn’t sitting on the training room floor with a broken hand if someone happened to walk in, but that could wait. 

He could take a minute, let the pain fill his head until it drowned out his thoughts, just _be_. 

It could wait. 

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](https://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open!
> 
> Want to join a multifandom Discord server full of wonderful creators and fans alike? Join us here: [The Fandom Playhouse!](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD)


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